牵牛花 - morning glory 10/17/2005 12:27
牵牛花, 英文 morning glory,因为花都是在早晨开放, 午后就蔫了,因而得名。这是今早起床后画的第一张草图,随笔之作,并无在构图和寓意上下任何功夫。准备继续画几张。你可以随意联想。特在此征求你们的联想。因为光线不均匀所以相片质量不好。



color pencil and water color 12 by 14

Hermes, messenger of the Gods, patron of travel, commerce and atheletes.

Roman, early imperial A.D. 1 - 50 inspried by a sculpture of about 450 - 430 BC by Polykleitos. Bought in Rome, said to have come from Venice. Marble from Mount Pentelikon near Athens.

The scupture is owned by MFA, Boston.

为什么画男的?
(1)我平日里没有机会画男的。我去的画廊只雇女模特。所以去美术馆就利用这个机会练习一下。
(2)随后看到牵牛花,二者颜色相符,就有了这想法。也想画在女人身上。
(3)象征意义:power is like morning glory - momertary
(4)象征意义二:life and sexuality are all momentary, but have power and beauty.
黄昏于 Jamaica Pond 10/13/2005 19:44
version (1)

夜涨华灯初上
雨意霏霏树色苍茫
秋波秋水秋风里
双鸭缱绻在水中央

杨柳依旧向水
待雪待寒待酷霜
婆娑似水柔波
曼舞轻歌浅吟唱
不负好时光。


version (2)

夜漫漫华灯初上
雨潇潇树色苍茫

秋风秋水秋波里
鸭只倦缩光影长

杨柳依旧向水
待雪待寒待沧桑

婆娑似水柔波
轻歌曼舞低吟唱。

10.13.2005 黄昏于Jamaica Pond
野菊落英 10/13/2005 12:54
嫦娥长生兮不常情
新月入秋兮罩霜影。

一夕一季兮华芳尽
鲜菊和酒兮敬落英。


赏月 10/10/2005 23:28
夏蝉夜鸣可知秋,日暮灯影长。相约河上轻摇桨,漫歌水中漾。
意醉人酣道鬼神,未觉茶渐凉。
不叫婵娟雾里藏,再邀中秋,共把明月赏。
象这样女人和个人的文字我本来并不想贴出来。但想一想,虽然一时的体验只是moment truth, 却体现了男女俩性的不同。男人的世界更理性,更连贯一致一些,而女人更感性,这一刻和下一刻有可能像月亮一样。一时是彻底的黑暗,一时又是那么的圆满而温柔,而其他的时候渐长渐损。女人象月亮,越是女性化的女人越是象月亮,阴晴圆缺很分明,但都是真实的她。因了感情上如此的变化性,常常让来自“火星”的男人不知所措,又是喜又是困,但对于她,“缺”也是她,“圆”也是她。我总想将自己圆满而美好的时候表现于人,阴缺的一面留给自己或自己最亲近的人受用,在此也就大胆地将自己揭露一下吧。我想它在一定程度上反映大部分女性某个时刻的体验。Let me know what you think and to what extent you agree.

下面这首“诗”是半年前一口气而成没有修改过。刻意没有修改,为的是保留那一刻的真实。我自己也不一定认可,但它反映了那一刻的insight.

帖出来的另一个原因是以此致梨花街对性的讨论。帮你给一点具体的体会。

但我也想坦率地说,你至今有关性的讨论,尚没有让我获得灵感。我建议不要恋于口舌之战,拿出你的东西来 - to convince us readers. 你如果是一个作家,你心里最明白,作家的任务是令读者信服或引发灵感。至于是否出过书不足与服人。虽然我也不欣赏读者的个人攻击,但对于一个作者你的东西公布于众之后,你必须接受所有的一切- 包括赞美,批评,抨击和谩骂。 rose



PMS, Birth, Death and Why I have to paint


Last night

all the rain became tears.

In a dream

I sank onto a plateau

where all grass burnt dead down

where for a thousand years no one has come along

and where for the next thousand years

no one will ever come along.

I walked alone

in pitch black

not a single star above

indicting a way

- a way to go on

except cold wind sweeping by

I got to move on.

In total darkness

to find hope and relief

I took out a piece of paper

and my color palette.

What is not going to leave me,

was left behind by me.

I have to paint now

and to paint is to splash out color.

Now during the day of the month

when the moon is coming out new again soon

but is not yet at the moment.

When it is the darkest

as dark as desperation can devour

birth must feel like this

for the baby and mother.

The mother may know there is hope after all

Logic tells her.

Not the baby when he has no logic yet

There was no other choice but to go through the dark tunnel

so desperately not knowing what is lying ahead.

Out of desperation one comes to light and being

His cry is his poetic expression no less

than when Homer arrived home after years of expedition.

In that burst of cry

It is full of pain that is still bloodily fresh and vivid

It is full of glory that he is not stifled by darkness

and was not devoured by desperation.

However, if the mother gave birth of a boy

He will likely forget this experience later

And if it is a girl,

She will most probably go through this tunnel again and again

with the eclipsing of the moon

during her menstruation years

again and again between death and rebirth, birth and redeath.


So death must feel like this too

Not as desperate as we think, after all, brightness is waiting head.

That’s probably why Buddhism call our earthly life a stage of“中阴”

It is not the beginning and it is not the end.

It is simply the earthly chain of reincarnations.

So the reincarnation of Jesus is no more miracle

It is as common sense as women’s monthly circle.

It IS a miracle because some men made the story

Women believed it as common sense

and men used it to show power.

For I can understand this

simply because I am a woman.

写于4.1.2005 见笑了。
晓雾 10/04/2005 16:36
欲知蓝天青何在
香氲缭绕一池间

简笔 10/04/2005 09:45
早晨出门毛毛的雨丝似有似无,抚在脸上立时心里轻松了许多。临街园子里的牡丹已经过时,正是菊花的季节,红色,黄色,菊色,和浅紫色,每一朵开得那样英姿飒爽,调侃秋的箫肃之气。

周末出去看红叶,众朋烧烤,尤欣赏sunflower给羊肉串上撒孜然,辣椒粉和盐时的挥洒自如,昨日早晨的梦里就梦见我自己向百花撒调料,于是不同形状的花就从浅灰色变成了不同的色彩,心里那种成就感无法诉说。忽然静静的梦里又有水鸟扑腾腾起飞。不知自己怀揣着多少情,梦里也不得安生。
辨真伪 9/29/2005 16:13
你们能不能读完这个故事后投个票,告诉我这个故事是真的还是假的?如果读起来太无聊读不完就算了。谢了。 rose

题目:I Wrestled with a Man Who Was Trying to Stealing from a Woman Whom I Did Not Know


The whole thing happened so sudden and fast that I did not feel after and have not since felt that it was real.

It was a Friday evening almost 12 O’clock midnight. I had been working on a watercolor piece at the Aso Studio. I couldn’t remember the exact date but it was August this year, that’s right, not too long ago, an evening with full moon. I knew this because the night before when I drove to the studio at 2 am, the moon was up high in the sky, round and bright. You wonder why I drove to the studio at 2 am. You know that I do paintings in my spare time, and if I don’t find time to paint over a week or two, I get unsettled and start to have either surreal dreams or nightmares in my sleep. By that night, I had not done any painting for a whole month. As I had to work the next day, I was willing to fall into sleep and be tortured by nightmares. Still I couldn’t. At 2 am, I came to me that I had only one option
雾色 9/29/2005 14:14
山径露水湿,望向何处?
却向雾色里,一人独坐。

听音乐会有感 9/22/2005 01:33
今晚去NEC的Jorden Hall 听爵士乐,同去附庸风雅的的还有好几个网上友人。但没听完大家就退场了。

有俩个人演奏,一个人玩的是打击乐,另一人拉超低音大提琴


在哈佛工作几年了,还是头一次去哈佛园里上课。

下课的时候已经晚上9:30过了。到医学院的班车要10点钟才到。于是在园中踱步。仿佛回到了久违的燕园的感觉,很亲切很美好,心好像回到家中似的。这才意识到自从到美国后就没有顺利过
一剪梅 9/19/2005 12:43
中秋寻月踏河洲。云树雾笼,夜浸舟头。
几多真情残阳里,鸭阵俩行,鹤唳鱼游。

春尽夏去又一秋。竹篮打水,一场空悠。
举杯梦里问玉帝,可去月宫,独伴嫦娥?
闲话女人的滋润 9/08/2005 16:29
女人是不是滋润一眼就能看出来。

女同事苏珊可能已经五十多岁了,个子不高身体却一点都没有发胖,白白的皮肤金黄色的短发,大眼睛。不难想象她年轻时一定是个美人。现在着装打扮仍带着古典的美。她喜欢鲜艳的衣服,常常一身鲜亮的红色,绿色或黄色,胸前时常佩戴着一朵大大的胸花。她起先在我们系里做临时工,后来成为正式编制。我们众多人不喜欢做的事都由她承担,复印,打表格,输入数据,安排开会时间,文章校对,等等。但她永远都非常认真而高兴地接受这些事,把这些事看作是非常重要的事去做。

不象其他人,她是我们这一层楼里唯一没有自己办公室的人,就坐在入口处的前台。每个人来上班都愿意先和她讲话。我有时想要是我烦死了,系里从上到下是个人就可以给她派活,而且派下来时常常是马上需要,这不同的教授哪个排前哪个排后?人人走过还要和她讲话,而且是自己忙的时候不讲自己想讲话时就找她。你说搁了是你烦不烦?但她就有这本事让每个人都觉得自己在她的最先考虑之下,她总是很快的就完成了你给她做的事,从来没有态度,永远阳光明媚的面容。我想每个人跟她讲话是因为喜欢她,我就时常把前一个晚上画的画拿到办公室只给她一人看
月亮那里去了? 9/07/2005 00:40
今夜应该是有月亮的。

我在这深夜走出来就是突然想到今夜新月应当初升了。我要出门找她对话的。
终于从漆黑的无月的pm中走出来,心境一下子温柔安静下来,心情也一下子明亮浪漫了许多。就好比天上的一丿新月。

奇怪的是我在天上没有找到月亮。果真没有的话,中秋节只有11天了,她来得及变圆吗?

我以为天上应该是一丿新月,旁边还点缀着一颗星星有如笑靥(美人的酒窝)。没有看到美人也没看到她的酒窝,没有沐浴到她如水般温柔的光,这短短的几行文字也不能平息我死而复生的明澈而浪漫的情怀。

好了,还是入睡吧,希望月光入梦。
影子外传 8/26/2005 13:27
8.26.05
早晨出门阳光明媚一如既往,裸露的胳膊却感受到空气中秋天的凉意。阳光也立刻变得像是一件开始退色的原本鲜亮的衣服,突然地就觉得太阳背转了身要离我们远去了。回头望望连地上的影子也感觉长了许多,好似我自己的影子也想与我背道而驰。我于是转过身跺跺脚问影子“你想哪里去?”。

影子不动,默默地跟我对峙。

我心里生出一丝欢喜,现在是早晨太阳越爬越高,“哼,咱们就这么站着,我相信你影子会越来越听话而忠实”。我把双臂交叉在胸前,他也把双臂交叉势不相让。

可我并不傻因为我立马又意识到我如果真站下去,我会给影子一个机会取笑我,我似乎已经看见他比我身长几倍时得意的狭着一只眼的鬼笑。不能给他这个机会,我于是笑笑说“算了算了,你玩你的,我要去上班了”。

掉转头把影子丢在身后,他爱干什么干什么去吧。心想“放你一马,是长是短没关系,反正是有我不一定有你,而有你肯定有我”。

这话原本是给自己讲的,没想到影子像他的主人一样的倔强,硬是回嘴说“那可不一定”。

“你什么意思”?难道百年之后,我的影子还满世界更自由潇洒地行走吗?胸中抽出比秋还凉的凉意。

影子倒嘻嘻地说“没有,我只是想说有你在就一定有我在。我所有时候都陪着你呢,我不过也有自己的性格,有时候逗你你找不着我。”

“那黑漆漆的晚上我独行的时候你哪儿去了?”

“你忘了,我不是常常从你身后跳到身前,从左跳到右逗你玩儿的吗?有几回还把你吓着了?”

可不是么,我这时小脾气也缓和下来,想和我的影子和好。“我只是想说,我离开这个世界以后,你也就不存在了,我会想念你的。”

没想到影子这回却动了真,“那怎么行呢,你是要去天堂的,你一定要带上我同去。”

“可我并不知道去天堂的通行证是什么,更不知道他们让不让我带影子。”我已经信以为真。

这真是山重水复疑无路,柳暗花明又一村。本来这夏消秋长就让我觉得有被背叛的感觉,联想到远逝的童年和亲人,爱的前恩后怨。最终却发现即便生命走到尽头,我也会拐脚蹩进天堂村的。于是什么都不怕了,即便没影子也不怕。

但我不能跟影子这么说,我不忍他伤心,何况我还有点自知之明我这点要去天堂的自信都是影子灌输给我的。于是说:“那我们以后不要再俩下撕扯不清,争相不下。我们好好地陪伴对方,好吗?”

“好,谁让我想跟你走后门进天堂的?我明白了,你其实是想让我好好哄你高兴。”

看来天堂尚远,他已经又逗上了。不过我喜欢。


以上故事里的“我”指女人,“影子”是男人。

wink
无题 8/24/2005 11:10
8.24.05
前边这段时间晚上熬夜画画,每天到了办公室都是11点钟过了。好不容易今天在九点半钟就到了办公室。但因为计算机在运行一个很大的数据程序,一个模型就得十几个小时(总共12个模型),我跟老板说了,她立马告诉我“那你就不用在办公室里呆着了,去画画吧。”你看我幸福不幸福。昨天10点半到1点钟就走了,回家把房间收拾了,又谜了一小觉,后来又去Brooklin一家越南人开的店里做了manicure and pedicure. 当然我是想利用这个机会把自己的事情处理好,下个星期新学期开始好再冲刺一把。平日里工作很卖力,所以老板也总希望我高兴。但这样的老板不是很容易碰到。我在美国碰到她这才算第一例,因为她懂得如何尊重和欣赏别人的工作,我对她的要求从来也是在所不辞。


我平日里见到地上有一分钱很少弯腰去捡,我画廊的朋友Kate每回碰到一分钱都兴奋地象见到了一千元似的。她已经四十有五了却像小孩子一样满脸灿烂的笑“see what I found”我看见了就是一分钱。有一回她在游泳池里竟然一眼看见池底的一分钱,一个鲤鱼打挺还没等我反应过来已经跃出水面高兴嘻嘻地对我说“see what I found”。随后她又把这个天大的喜讯传达到了我们去一起游泳的每一个人。时间久了我也慢慢感到了见到一分钱的喜悦。Kate曾经对我说过她奶奶曾经对她说“你如果都不能弯腰捡起一分钱,那你是不可救药了”。我猜想对于Kate捡到一分钱一定是和好运相联系,她才这么兴奋的。你看,我下班以后就是和这么一群天真无邪的中年人在一起。也是一件幸福的事情吧。

不过昨晚我梦见了我从地上捡起了一分钱,又是一分,又是一分,很多很多一分钱散在地上,好像还捡起了一个五分的。身旁有几个人在等我所以不能忘情地捡下去。后来不知去了一个什么样的地方,有很多很多的好吃的,我都吃饱了,却又有新花样搬上桌来,我在梦里像超人一样吃饱了还可以吃。再后来,又在很陡的山上攀援看到各色的花朵,尽管这次去Rocky Mountain 认识了二,三十种花,梦里却看见一种我从来没有见到的花种,大朵的浅橘色里夹着粉的象芙蓉一样打着皱褶的花,我一抬头她们就在我眼前。

从这样的梦里醒来很满足,满足了贪欲,闻到了香味还看到了色彩,好像还没有在一次梦里满足了这许多。

梦到色彩对我来说是常事,一般都是很特别的在现实生活中没有见到过的色彩和形状。但梦到捡到钱我实在不知如何解释?但因为醒来后心情尚好,就不深究了。我很少梦到音乐,所以猜想我在音乐上是没有任何天赋了。记忆里只有一次梦到了音乐,结果还是二胡“梁山伯与祝英台”里的一段,并不是我的创作。
高山葵 (Alpine Sunflower from the Rocky Mountains)
water color
4 * 6


8. 21. 2005

从Rocky Mountain 回来还没有来得及汇报。这幅画可以算是受了启发而作罢。

图中的花叫作:Alpine Sunflower, 我把她们翻成了高山葵. They grow in tundra area (land above the trees) in the Rocky Mountains。 Tundra ,是指大约海拔11500 feet 以上,由于风太大,降水量极少,气候恶劣树木放弃了生长的地带。

But these bright yellow sunflowers, growing a few inches above the ground were blooming
无题 8/19/2005 13:54


watercolor
24 by 16

今日凌晨俩点钟开车去画廊。一轮圆月在天边。

我的女同事的老公提前她四天休假,去了加州。老公不在她睡不着觉,所以四个晚上没有睡觉,看着还挺精神。

我因为好几天应该画画了却没有画睡不着觉。就觉得这个世界不对头,无名地伤感,全部责怪于外部原因,最终发现不高兴的时候大部分都是咎由自取。

坐下来时并不知道要画什么,每次都瞎画。我就喜欢这种从无到有的过程。画了画,现在高兴了,但却还没有睡觉,也没有上班。但顾不上了,如果不画,不是这世界跟我过不去,而是我实在跟这个世界过不去了。

这幅画是水彩:11*14
我心里想了几个题名,但想知道不同人看后的感觉。你如果想出一个title可以分享一下吗?

这不是自画像。但如果有点像本人,那是因为我们每个人最熟悉的面孔是自己 (每天照镜子的结果)。




无题
June 2nd 6/02/2005 18:12
rose June 2nd, 2005

So I went to the studio after the swimming. It also has been a month from the last time I was there. The studio was situated right behind the Boston Symphony. It was the street behind Huntington, so very busy and noisy. There is a small garden in the backyard, and is surrounded by a wooden fence. Every time, I open the wood fenced door and walk into the garden, it feels like another world. 这扇柴扉有如此神奇的功效,每次推门进去,便像走进了一座世外桃源,隔开了世外的嘈杂和喧嚣。身心立刻放松了。The backyard is no more than 200 square feet. But there is a little pond with golden fishes swimming and spawning all year round. Peonies are in blossom. An apricot tree has already been full of apricots. There are apple trees, peach trees, roses, tulips, and grape vineyard climbing along the fence. Japanese stone lanterns stand here and there. 修竹环绕着小池塘,半截竹筒不停地向池子里注着水,水流很细,只是为了听水声。夜深人静的时候我喜欢在这庭院水声中独处一会儿。

Jane, a Korean American girl at the studio, told me when she saw me making my appearance after so long a time:
“Elena, something big happened in the studio while you were gone.” Elena is my name for people to call.
“What happened?” I asked and was wondering what it could be.
“Aether and Violetta are having baby.”
“Wow, really?” I looked into the bird cage, and Violetta is sitting at the corner.
“She is sitting on two eggs. There are two eggs under.” Jane told me with eager.
Aether and Violetta are two doves. You may wonder that it is late spring and nothing is strange about their giving birth of babies during this sensational season, not if you know that Aether is already 18 years old. I guess as a dove, it is probably equivalent to be over 80 if it were human. Violetta is only 6 and came from wild. “So she made Aether to play.” Simpson another woman doing watercolor there told me.

Actually Aether was born and grew up in the studio in his first 12 years. This is the story I was told by Kate, the administrator at the studio and a member there for over 23 years. Aether did not know that he is a bird. Because he had been with humans all the time, he thought he was human. So when Violetta was brought in to accompany him, he didn’t know what she was and was very uncomfortable. He showed irritation and nervousness, just like a person who lives too long by him/herself and is no longer used to having a companion. So they could not get along for a long time. But then one winter the few members living near the studio were gone, and the two birds were left alone except each other’s accompany. He then learned to be cooperative.

Till age 12, Aether did not know what sex is. Coming from the wild and young, Violetta was full of energy and desire. At the beginning, she flirted with him elegantly and gracefully. But Aether showed no response
June 1st 6/02/2005 15:41
It has been so long, since I injured my back, to move around. Last night I went swimming the first time in a month. Being able to move in the water feels so wonderful. When people say “生命在于运动”,I often thought it is such a cliché. Yet cliché is a cliché that it is most often true than false. So through moving I felt this sensation of regaining life so delightfully fresh. Not being able to move around made me moody, weary and cranky. I started gently with breast strokes trying to use only my arms and legs and I was fine so I tried free styles with no problem
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