昨天,今天和明天 4/24/2008 13:25
同学说是7月份聚会,日子迟迟定不下来。

一个月前发信过去问日子好订票,届时机票已是1400了,但还付得起。
前天晚上收到确切的日子,昨天查票2000多了,但后来借着Free Staff 的关于Continental的航线,找便宜的日子,辗转历程去香港,有1200的票,甚是欢喜。

日子定在7月19,20,21属于所有人必须到的日子。其他日子自由,有时间的多聚,没时间的可以走人。主题随之定为“昨天,今天和明天”。

“昨天”也就是19号,上午和北大老师见面一小时,中午吃饭,下午逛北大校园,晚上住燕园附近宾馆。
20号飞往宁夏沙湖(www.nxshahu.com),晚会安排主题叫做“今天”。“明天”仍在沙湖。后天需要走的人可以散去了,有时间的人可以继续留驻。

刚刚打电话回去,想借同学聚会之机到国内各处看看,请上5-6周假,先请示一下可行性。虽然这些年基本每年都回去,但一般都是只身出去旅游。因为没有同学有我这样的闲暇,或因为工作和商机,或兼因家庭和孩子。也确实没有想到四处去访问一下同学。

借着聚会的兴奋,或许就能找到一俩个伴,到有同学的省市区看看。初步决定,届时去宁波,安徽,贵州,山东临沂一趟 - 这里均有同学邀请。另外,我说我没去过九寨沟,同学说“只要是境内,咱们都能给你安排”,“另外,你回来到处转也给了我们一个向工作和家里请假的借口”。好吧,我就准备回去上5周(原来想6周来着,觉得夏天本来也是波城最美的时节,有牵挂放不下)。

结果同学又说:你订票别担心票价,按你的时间行程定,我跟他们说了,在国外的只有你一个人还是单身,你的票找财务组给你出。我说:不用阿,如果是2000多你们可以补助一下。1200就没关系了。

我原本找到一张1200的票已经很高兴了,我原本自己四处自费旅游也很开心,我原本也认为我的生活过的还好,怎么就被他最后一句话说得难过抽鼻子了呢?

在他们眼里,我是一个只身在外,没有家没有孩子没有房子没有钱没有权,一个昨天今天和明天都需要照顾的人吗?一个美国农民,一个因为精神追求而满足的人?也因为我没有他们所有的一切而独独还有个人色彩的人,他们象我怜悯面临灭种的野鹤一样怜悯着我吗?

我知道这怜悯中有一份珍惜。可不免觉得需要反思。我需要这次聚会回顾一下昨天走过的路程,今天面临的选择,和将来的道路。

(不过最终还是得从命吧?一切的反思和添加的追求不过是接受命运过程中的调味品呢,不是吗?)
this is enough.

不过我那些大学同学在国内的也都拖家带口了, 羡慕+ frustrated

wildcrane :
,一个因为精神追求而满足的人?
simple at 4/24/2008 13:40 快速引用
simple :
this is enough.

不过我那些大学同学在国内的也都拖家带口了, 羡慕+ frustrated

wildcrane :
,一个因为精神追求而满足的人?


人都说,眼睛不好的耳朵好,耳朵不好的视力好。
但前因后果就有搞不清了。
wildcrane at 4/24/2008 13:48 快速引用
回去好好玩,谁羡慕谁也不一定的。
rogerlee at 4/24/2008 13:49 快速引用
wildcrane :



在他们眼里,我是一个只身在外,没有家没有孩子没有房子没有钱没有权,一个昨天今天和明天都需要照顾的人吗?一个美国农民,一个因为精神追求而满足的人?也因为我没有他们所有的一切而独独还有个人色彩的人,他们象我怜悯面临灭种的野鹤一样怜悯着我吗?

我知道这怜悯中有一份珍惜。可不免觉得需要反思。我需要这次聚会回顾一下昨天走过的路程,今天面临的选择,和将来的道路。

(不过最终还是得从命吧?一切的反思和添加的追求不过是接受命运过程中的调味品呢,不是吗?)



咋听上去这么伤感泥? cry
胡美丽 at 4/24/2008 13:50 快速引用
每个人都向往自己没有的东西,每个人都能得到自己真正想要的东西。
七月份的时候我应该也在北京,到时候我们可以在北京见面哟。 happy
PHOEBE at 4/24/2008 13:53 快速引用
you are thinking way too much.

stop thinking the way you are thinking. now please ask them if they can cover your best friend. (I'm winking to you very hard.)
开会 at 4/24/2008 13:57 快速引用
rogerlee :
回去好好玩,谁羡慕谁也不一定的。


他们都挺羡慕我的-“多自由阿“,可是他们谁都不愿意想过我这样“自由”的日子 wink
wildcrane at 4/24/2008 13:59 快速引用
希望我也有同学早日发达哈 tongue
ilazxfe at 4/24/2008 14:01 快速引用
。。。。。。。。
emory at 4/24/2008 14:02 快速引用
wildcrane :
rogerlee :
回去好好玩,谁羡慕谁也不一定的。


他们都挺羡慕我的-“多自由阿“,可是他们谁都不愿意想过我这样“自由”的日子 wink

他们当然不愿意回到单身了 wink
不过工作么, 就不一定. 我觉得你那"自由"工作不错 tongue
simple at 4/24/2008 14:08 快速引用
人生难得糊涂. dont frustrated
Shellie at 4/24/2008 14:11 快速引用
wildcrane :
rogerlee :
回去好好玩,谁羡慕谁也不一定的。


他们都挺羡慕我的-“多自由阿“,可是他们谁都不愿意想过我这样“自由”的日子 wink


What you see is what you get

You never know 我晕

You are really rare lucky unique treasure to peers, at least from eyes of nerd of me 崇拜 祝你好运
quiver at 4/24/2008 14:11 快速引用
开会 :
you are thinking way too much.

stop thinking the way you are thinking. now please ask them if they can cover your best friend. (I'm winking to you very hard.)


i don't think - it is a moment of feeling that calls one's attention to what one has been used to and what one has accepted with 'happiness', and what one has long forgotten and maybe deeply hasn't forgotten - it calls some courage to face one's life.

不过,你就别 wink 了,那三天连家属孩子都不许带 wink
wildcrane at 4/24/2008 14:14 快速引用
:
这三天的活动行程和花费国内的同学全安排了,财务组组长是去年中国福布斯排行版的同学,意思很明白,他领会的也很明白国内三天全部同学的费用都由他出了

seriously suggest, 他领会的也不很明白, 全部同学的费用都由他出了

:

他们眼里,我是一个只身在外,没有家没有孩子没有房子没有钱没有权,一个昨天今天和明天都需要照顾的人吗?一个美国农民,一个因为精神追求而满足的人?也因为我没有他们所有的一切而独独还有个人色彩的人,他们象我怜悯面临灭种的野鹤一样怜悯着我吗

seriously suggest, those peers really need to make appointment with 眼科医生.
And they are not qualified to 怜悯 anyone else, before they 怜悯 themselves, they may really live a sucking life 我哭 我砍

Cheer up, you really ROCKS !! support 崇拜 祝你好运

wildcrane :

... ...

这三天的活动行程和花费国内的同学全安排了,财务组组长是去年中国福布斯排行版的同学,意思很明白,他领会的也很明白,国内三天全部同学的费用都由他出了。

刚刚打电话回去,想借同学聚会之机到国内各处看看,请上5-6周假,先请示一下可行性。虽然这些年基本每年都回去,但一般都是只身出去旅游。因为没有同学有我这样的闲暇,或因为工作和商机,或兼因家庭和孩子。也确实没有想到四处去访问一下同学。

借着聚会的兴奋,或许就能找到一俩个伴,到有同学的省市区看看。初步决定,届时去宁波,安徽,贵州,山东临沂一趟 - 这里均有同学邀请。另外,我说我没去过九寨沟,同学说“只要是境内,咱们都能给你安排”,“另外,你回来到处转也给了我们一个向工作和家里请假的借口”。好吧,我就准备回去上5周(原来想6周来着,觉得夏天本来也是波城最美的时节,有牵挂放不下)。

结果同学又说:你订票别担心票价,按你的时间行程定,我跟他们说了,在国外的只有你一个人还是单身,你的票找财务组给你出。我说:不用阿,如果是2000多你们可以补助一下。1200就没关系了。

我原本找到一张1200的票已经很高兴了,我原本自己四处自费旅游也很开心,我原本也认为我的生活过的还好,怎么就被他最后一句话说得难过抽鼻子了呢?

在他们眼里,我是一个只身在外,没有家没有孩子没有房子没有钱没有权,一个昨天今天和明天都需要照顾的人吗?一个美国农民,一个因为精神追求而满足的人?也因为我没有他们所有的一切而独独还有个人色彩的人,他们象我怜悯面临灭种的野鹤一样怜悯着我吗

我知道这怜悯中有一份珍惜。可不免觉得需要反思。我需要这次聚会回顾一下昨天走过的路程,今天面临的选择,和将来的道路。

(不过最终还是得从命吧?一切的反思和添加的追求不过是接受命运过程中的调味品呢,不是吗?)
quiver at 4/24/2008 14:22 快速引用
胡美丽 :
wildcrane :



在他们眼里,我是一个只身在外,没有家没有孩子没有房子没有钱没有权,一个昨天今天和明天都需要照顾的人吗?一个美国农民,一个因为精神追求而满足的人?也因为我没有他们所有的一切而独独还有个人色彩的人,他们象我怜悯面临灭种的野鹤一样怜悯着我吗?

我知道这怜悯中有一份珍惜。可不免觉得需要反思。我需要这次聚会回顾一下昨天走过的路程,今天面临的选择,和将来的道路。

(不过最终还是得从命吧?一切的反思和添加的追求不过是接受命运过程中的调味品呢,不是吗?)



咋听上去这么伤感泥? cry


只是片刻的伤感罢了。 smile
年轻的时候不相信命运 (可能你现在在这样一个阶段?)。
现在相信人生有命,不得不从。
只是如何‘从’体现出每一个人的精彩或不精彩罢了。
可以不想而变得现实和实际,
实际在这个社会上非常有用
对得起我们作为社会的人和作为肉体的人
但也许会委屈了我们来这一世的灵魂
在追求实际的和灵魂的满足中,俩者有着不可调和的矛盾。
时不时需要停下来调停俩者。
wildcrane at 4/24/2008 14:25 快速引用
PHOEBE :
每个人都向往自己没有的东西,每个人都能得到自己真正想要的东西。
七月份的时候我应该也在北京,到时候我们可以在北京见面哟。 happy


好啊 happy
wildcrane at 4/24/2008 14:29 快速引用
同情。

不要误会,是同情你的智商。

叫花子被鄙视,还得了碎银子。

你咋就tune down了机票尼?

凡事从小做起,从自己做起。一个减轻国内贫富差距的机会,就这样被你浪费了。

天啊

这回政府发银子,也没你份吧。

frustrated

如果真有自由的话,单身也不错。

我哭
Nike at 4/24/2008 14:30 快速引用
Shellie :
人生难得糊涂. dont frustrated


正在这样教育自己过程中。
自以为糊涂的时候可能是清醒的,
自以为清醒的时候可能是糊涂的。

还是傻乐好
wildcrane at 4/24/2008 14:35 快速引用
wildcrane :
胡美丽 :
wildcrane :



在他们眼里,我是一个只身在外,没有家没有孩子没有房子没有钱没有权,一个昨天今天和明天都需要照顾的人吗?一个美国农民,一个因为精神追求而满足的人?也因为我没有他们所有的一切而独独还有个人色彩的人,他们象我怜悯面临灭种的野鹤一样怜悯着我吗?

我知道这怜悯中有一份珍惜。可不免觉得需要反思。我需要这次聚会回顾一下昨天走过的路程,今天面临的选择,和将来的道路。

(不过最终还是得从命吧?一切的反思和添加的追求不过是接受命运过程中的调味品呢,不是吗?)



咋听上去这么伤感泥? cry


只是片刻的伤感罢了。 smile
年轻的时候不相信命运 (可能你现在在这样一个阶段?)。
现在相信人生有命,不得不从。
只是如何‘从’体现出每一个人的精彩或不精彩罢了。
可以不想而变得现实和实际,
实际在这个社会上非常有用
对得起我们作为社会的人和作为肉体的人
但也许会委屈了我们来这一世的灵魂
在追求实际的和灵魂的满足中,俩者有着不可调和的矛盾。
时不时需要停下来调停俩者。

咋就这麽不自信了呐
这还要想呐
有没搞错

rose 天啊 祝你好运
quiver at 4/24/2008 14:35 快速引用
wildcrane :
Shellie :
人生难得糊涂. dont frustrated


正在这样教育自己过程中
自以为糊涂的时候可能是清醒的,
自以为清醒的时候可能是糊涂的。

还是傻乐好

come on, you really thought too much. You need more sleeping hours 我晕


Never, never, never give up.
quiver at 4/24/2008 14:38 快速引用
Nike :
同情。

不要误会,是同情你的智商。

叫花子被鄙视,还得了碎银子。

你咋就tune down了机票尼?

凡事从小做起,从自己做起。一个减轻国内贫富差距的机会,就这样被你浪费了。

天啊

这回政府发银子,也没你份吧。

frustrated

如果真有自由的话,单身也不错。

我哭


哪回政府发银子阿?
哪个政府阿?

狂笑 狂笑 狂笑
(同情我智商的人很多,上回大学同学带着同事来说“以后别说是我的同学,怎么经济系毕业啥都不懂?”,还有人多次声称让北大把我回笼回去重蒸,我说太久了,重蒸也蒸不熟了)
wildcrane at 4/24/2008 14:45 快速引用
quiver :


It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.─ Alan Cohen



This is greatly said.
说着容易做着难,
我们大部分人基本都美敢走到这种选择的边缘,就已经撤回去了。
wildcrane at 4/24/2008 14:49 快速引用
wildcrane :
Nike :
同情。

不要误会,是同情你的智商。

叫花子被鄙视,还得了碎银子。

你咋就tune down了机票尼?

凡事从小做起,从自己做起。一个减轻国内贫富差距的机会,就这样被你浪费了。

天啊

这回政府发银子,也没你份吧。

frustrated

如果真有自由的话,单身也不错。

我哭


哪回政府发银子阿?
哪个政府阿?

狂笑 狂笑 狂笑
(同情我智商的人很多,上回大学同学带着同事来说“以后别说是我的同学,怎么经济系毕业啥都不懂?”,还有人多次声称让北大把我回笼回去重蒸,我说太久了,重蒸也蒸不熟了)

明明是个灵醒娃, 冷式给狗日的北大给弄幂等咧. 我晕 打你 我靠
www.anti-cnn.com
www.anti-beida.com 我砍
quiver at 4/24/2008 14:54 快速引用
I had same feeling when my college union party held 5 yrs ago. I was alone with no money, no house, no power, no secure. I finally did not go. They called me during the party and I knew I have been missed by many people. I am the one of three girl in my class.
Mayrain at 4/24/2008 14:55 快速引用
wildcrane :
quiver :


It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.─ Alan Cohen



This is greatly said.
说着容易做着难,
我们大部分人基本都美敢走到这种选择的边缘,就已经撤回去了。

I am trying to take it into my everyday life, not just limited in knowledge level. oops
quiver at 4/24/2008 14:55 快速引用
I had same feeling when my college union party held 5 yrs ago. I was alone with no money, no house, no power, no secure. I finally did not go. They called me during the party and I knew I have been missed by many people. I am the one of three girl in my class.

frustrated
Mayrain at 4/24/2008 14:57 快速引用
wildcrane :


只是片刻的伤感罢了。 smile
年轻的时候不相信命运 (可能你现在在这样一个阶段?)。
现在相信人生有命,不得不从。
只是如何‘从’体现出每一个人的精彩或不精彩罢了。
可以不想而变得现实和实际,
实际在这个社会上非常有用
对得起我们作为社会的人和作为肉体的人
但也许会委屈了我们来这一世的灵魂
在追求实际的和灵魂的满足中,俩者有着不可调和的矛盾。
时不时需要停下来调停俩者。



突然想起了俺曾经瞎诹出来的一首小狮:

昨天 今天 明天
都在一瞬间
oops

据说艺术家是得经常处于矛盾斗争中,不然没有创作激情。但我看你总是这样有创作激情,又觉得很是有些于心不忍 oops

Laughing Laughing Laughing
喜欢你的小诗
还让我想到了第四十一

今年第一回没有了创作激情,处在一个低谷或希望是一个蛰伏期,需要寻找激情, 需要something drastically new and something more adventures - 但是腿又不能走,第一次体会到身体的limit。 wink
胡美丽 at 4/24/2008 14:58 快速引用
quiver :
wildcrane :
quiver :


It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.─ Alan Cohen



This is greatly said.
说着容易做着难,
我们大部分人基本都美敢走到这种选择的边缘,就已经撤回去了。

I am trying to take it into my everyday life, not just limited in knowledge level. oops


In my understanding, what you have been trying is very different from what the author is talking about.

承认吧,most of us don't have that kind of courage.
wildcrane at 4/24/2008 14:58 快速引用
Mayrain :
I had same feeling when my college union party held 5 yrs ago. I was alone with no money, no house, no power, no secure. I finally did not go. They called me during the party and I knew I have been missed by many people. I am the one of three girl in my class.

frustrated


The difference will be I will definetely go.
What a pity that you didn't go! You must go if there is next time.

It is an opportunity to revisit the past and to dream on. (well, it seems that i am better in cheering others). Laughing
wildcrane at 4/24/2008 15:01 快速引用
Mayrain :
I had same feeling when my college union party held 5 yrs ago. I was alone with no money, no house, no power, no secure. I finally did not go. They called me during the party and I knew I have been missed by many people. I am the one of three girl in my class.

frustrated

http://www.facebook.com/photo.php?pid=31546&l=ba5d9&id=1105907665

I felt very thrilled to join our 10-year anniversary reunion in Sunshine Bay area in 1999 (or we, as my boss also joined) , and I am looking forward to our 20-year anniversary next year.
quiver at 4/24/2008 15:01 快速引用
wildcrane :
quiver :
wildcrane :
quiver :


It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.─ Alan Cohen



This is greatly said.
说着容易做着难,
我们大部分人基本都美敢走到这种选择的边缘,就已经撤回去了。

I am trying to take it into my everyday life, not just limited in knowledge level. oops


In my understanding, what you have been trying is very different from what the author is talking about.

承认吧,most of us don't have that kind of courage.

what you see is what you get wink
quiver at 4/24/2008 15:05 快速引用
Mayrain :
I had same feeling when my college union party held 5 yrs ago. I was alone with no money, no house, no power, no secure. I finally did not go. They called me during the party and I knew I have been missed by many people. I am the one of three girl in my class.

frustrated


真的有那么难面对吗? confused
这样看来我真的很没心没肺
emory at 4/24/2008 15:14 快速引用


http://youtube.com/watch?v=oCeKkJlMJDQ

Most Likely You Will Go Your Way

You say you love me
And you're thinkin' of me,
But you know you could be wrong.
You say you told me
That you wanna hold me,
But you know you're not that strong.
I just can't do what I done before,
I just can't beg you any more.
I'm gonna let you pass
And I'll go last.
Then time will tell just who fell
And who's been left behind,
When you go your way and I go mine.

You say you disturb me
And you don't deserve me,
But you know sometimes you lie.
You say you're shakin'
And you're always achin',
But you know how hard you try.
Sometimes it gets so hard to care,
It can't be this way ev'rywhere.
And I'm gonna let you pass,
Yes, and I'll go last.
Then time will tell just who fell
And who's been left behind,
When you go your way and I go mine.

The judge, he holds a grudge,
He's gonna call on you.
But he's badly built
And he walks on stilts,
Watch out he don't fall on you.

You say you're sorry
For tellin' stories
That you know I believe are true.
You say ya got some
Other kinda lover
And yes, I believe you do.
You say my kisses are not like his,
But this time I'm not gonna tell you why that is.
I'm just gonna let you pass,
Yes, and I'll go last.
Then time will tell who fell
And who's been left behind,
When you go your way and I go mine.

wildcrane :
quiver :
wildcrane :
quiver :


It takes a lot of courage to release the familiar and seemingly secure, to embrace the new. But there is no real security in what is no longer meaningful. There is more security in the adventurous and exciting, for in movement there is life, and in change there is power.─ Alan Cohen



This is greatly said.
说着容易做着难,
我们大部分人基本都美敢走到这种选择的边缘,就已经撤回去了。

I am trying to take it into my everyday life, not just limited in knowledge level. oops


In my understanding, what you have been trying is very different from what the author is talking about.

承认吧,most of us don't have that kind of courage.
quiver at 4/24/2008 15:22 快速引用
wildcrane :
Shellie :
人生难得糊涂. dont frustrated


正在这样教育自己过程中。
自以为糊涂的时候可能是清醒的,
自以为清醒的时候可能是糊涂的。

还是傻乐好


中午吃了一个食堂自己做的pizza,到现在很是很满足。 happy
元宝 at 4/24/2008 15:30 快速引用
wildcrane :
。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。

没有家没有孩子没有房子没有钱没有权。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。



女人可以没有家庭,但不能没有爱情;
女人可以没有孩子,但不能没有票子;
女人可以没有房子,但不能没有日子;
女人可以没有金钱,但不能没有尊严;
女人可以没有权力,但不能没有魅力。
深蓝 at 4/24/2008 15:42 快速引用
深蓝 :
wildcrane :
。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。

没有家没有孩子没有房子没有钱没有权。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。。



女人可以没有家庭,但不能没有爱情;
女人可以没有孩子,但不能没有票子;
女人可以没有房子,但不能没有日子;
女人可以没有金钱,但不能没有尊严;
女人可以没有权力,但不能没有魅力。

so 孩子 is in lower priority than 票子, from your perspective ?! 打你
quiver at 4/24/2008 15:59 快速引用
其实, 我的 20 年 毕业 聚会 就 在 本月 30 日。 不 过 还是没有 去 上海。 这次 不是 "no money, no power, no secure, no ...."。 I don't care those any more. 一方 面 他 们 通知 的 太 晚, 是 临时 决定 的。 其二 家母 需要 在 9 月 住院 , 我已 订在 那 时 回国。 非常 非常 地 想 见 同学。 真是 想 哭 。 人生 这么 不 如 愿。
令一个在 美国 的 同学 也 无法 前行。 这些 天 在 试 WEBCAM 准备 在 网上 参加。

感动
Mayrain at 4/24/2008 16:17 快速引用
Sorry, click sending three times.... Laughing
Mayrain at 4/24/2008 16:24 快速引用
Mayrain :
其实, 我的 20 年 毕业 聚会 就 在 本月 30 日。 不 过 还是没有 去 上海。 这次 不是 "no money, no power, no secure, no ...."。 I don't care those any more. 一方 面 他 们 通知 的 太 晚, 是 临时 决定 的。 其二 家母 需要 在 9 月 住院 , 我已 订在 那 时 回国。 非常 非常 地 想 见 同学。 真是 想 哭 。 人生 这么 不 如 愿。
令一个在 美国 的 同学 也 无法 前行。 这些 天 在 试 WEBCAM 准备 在 网上 参加。

感动



I happened to keep the following article of "Teenagers Always Have A Good Excuse", you did help me to enlarge my mindset: adult also 我晕



Teenagers Always Have A Good Excuse

Your teenager has a good excuse for everything he or she does, even hurting you, their brothers and sisters, drinking, doing drugs, and failing school. This good excuse, or positive intention is what is driving the behaviour. The negative behavior won’t change until the positive intention has been recognized and satisfied in some way.

There are two basic things that you need to believe before you even begin to try and figure out what is driving your child’s behavior. First you must believe that we do have a good intention behind every behavior. This will certainly help in the process of determining what positive intention your child is trying to satisfy as otherwise you may appear incongruent- when what … you are thinking, saying and doing doesn’t match up. You are pretending and your teenager can spot a phoney a mile away. Also you must believe that the meaning of your communication is the response you get back. For example, if you don’t like the response your child gives you then you must be willing to change the method of communication until you get what you want. Let me explain the basic process.

1. Setting yourself up as an ally …

You want to find out what your child’s positive intention is. That requires that you communicate in a positive manner or he will shut you down. In any communication with your teenager he or she has four possible options. He can see you as an ally and open up to you, she can become defensive, retreat or counter-attack. Your first challenge is to approach her in such a way that you get the first response. That is why you cannot blame, judge, criticize or attach a negative intention to the behavior or communication. You don’t want to be perceived as the enemy. Instead you are an ally and they need to believe that you think they are a good person; they are separate from their behavior and you are here to work with them.

2. Finding the positive intention …

In order to find their often-unconscious positive intention, you can put yourself in their shoes or talk to them in order to get an answer to the following question:

? What does this behavior do for me (you)? … or …
? How does this behavior benefit me (you)? … or …
? What do I (you) want to happen when I (you) do this behavior?

Often there are several positive intentions all embedded inside one another. Once you have solicited one answer, follow it up with the same question, “And what does that do for you”? Keep asking that question for each intention until you think you have an idea what their positive intention or reason or purpose is.

3. Checking it out …

Once you think that you know what the purpose behind their behavior might be, check it out with them by asking, “So, what you were really wanting by (behavior) was (positive intention)?”

4. Now that you know …

Once you think that you know what the positive intention is behind their behavior, act as if it were true. Tell him or her that you appreciate the fact that they were trying to do something positive and offer to help in any way that you can. Comment on the fact that this intention is certainly more consistent with the kind of person that he is than the negative behavior. Work with him to come up with a new behavior that is consistent with the kind of person he is and which will satisfy his positive intention.

So what does this actually look like in real life? Josh has broken into his sister’s bedroom, taken the money that she has been saving and gone out with his friends. On the one hand you believe that we always have a good reason behind everything that we do, on the other hand you are absolutely furious with him.

Give yourself time to cool down before you try to find out what positive intention he has behind his behavior. You have to distance yourself from the incident and become an observer. Once you are able to switch to observer mode, it is time to tackle Josh. Start by stating the facts in a conversational manner. “I know that you went into Brittany’s room and borrowed her savings”. “That is a pretty unusual thing for you to do, don’t you think?” “What did taking her money do for you?” Notice that you didn’t ask him why he did it. That is a question that begs an “I don’t know” for an answer. He may respond with something like, “I wanted to go out with my friends and I didn’t have any money”. You then ask, “What did going out with your friends do for you?” “It made me feel like part of the group”. “What does being part of the group do for you?” “It makes me feel like less of a loser!”

You have probably figured out by now that Josh is feeling like a ‘loser’ and took Brittany’s money in order to be part of the group and consequently feel better about himself. So you check it out by saying, “You took Brittany’s money so you could be part of the crowd and not feel like a loser?” If that strikes a cord then you follow up with, “ I appreciate that you were trying to do something positive for yourself and that is consistent with the Josh I know. What else can we come up with that will make you feel more like part of the crowd or feel better about yourself and doesn’t hurt anyone else? Hopefully this will open up a dialogue between you and Josh.

The behavior still needs to be dealt with and Brittany still needs restitution. Now that the two of you are in rapport it is a good time to start brainstorming ways to earn the money to pay Brittany back!
quiver at 4/24/2008 16:25 快速引用
看来有钱,有房子,有爱情,有一切,都比不上有好心情啊~~~

有钱要头疼投资, 有房子要头疼维修保养, 有爱情要头疼两人吵架.

什么都没有最好. 快乐就可以了.
breezy at 4/24/2008 16:33 快速引用
fresh_orange :
breezy :
peachleaf :
quiver at 4/24/2008 16:41 快速引用
票定了。
往返1193。
这下可以安心了。
wildcrane at 4/24/2008 18:45 快速引用
搞得我也很伤感
早些年看同学录
贴的都是结婚的照片
现在好了
开始贴小孩的照片了
前几天在msn上和初中同学聊天
她说马上就要生孩子了
这日子过的也太快吧 我靠

wildcrane :
胡美丽 :
wildcrane :



在他们眼里,我是一个只身在外,没有家没有孩子没有房子没有钱没有权,一个昨天今天和明天都需要照顾的人吗?一个美国农民,一个因为精神追求而满足的人?也因为我没有他们所有的一切而独独还有个人色彩的人,他们象我怜悯面临灭种的野鹤一样怜悯着我吗?

我知道这怜悯中有一份珍惜。可不免觉得需要反思。我需要这次聚会回顾一下昨天走过的路程,今天面临的选择,和将来的道路。

(不过最终还是得从命吧?一切的反思和添加的追求不过是接受命运过程中的调味品呢,不是吗?)



咋听上去这么伤感泥? cry


只是片刻的伤感罢了。 smile
年轻的时候不相信命运 (可能你现在在这样一个阶段?)。
现在相信人生有命,不得不从。
只是如何‘从’体现出每一个人的精彩或不精彩罢了。
可以不想而变得现实和实际,
实际在这个社会上非常有用
对得起我们作为社会的人和作为肉体的人
但也许会委屈了我们来这一世的灵魂
在追求实际的和灵魂的满足中,俩者有着不可调和的矛盾。
时不时需要停下来调停俩者。
bagofbones at 4/24/2008 19:04 快速引用
攀比心理

开会 at 4/24/2008 19:34 快速引用
开会 at 4/24/2008 19:35 快速引用
Mayrain :
I had same feeling when my college union party held 5 yrs ago. I was alone with no money, no house, no power, no secure. I finally did not go. They called me during the party and I knew I have been missed by many people. I am the one of three girl in my class.

frustrated


I had only 3 female classmates in college and no one know where 2 of them are now Sad
tutu at 4/24/2008 20:38 快速引用
美国政府发的银子什么时候到? confused
Johann at 4/24/2008 22:19 快速引用
开会 :
wildcrane at 4/25/2008 00:44 快速引用
谢谢骨头你总陪着我伤感
(呵呵呵)

bagofbones :
搞得我也很伤感
早些年看同学录
贴的都是结婚的照片
现在好了
开始贴小孩的照片了
前几天在msn上和初中同学聊天
她说马上就要生孩子了
这日子过的也太快吧 我靠

wildcrane :
胡美丽 :
wildcrane :



在他们眼里,我是一个只身在外,没有家没有孩子没有房子没有钱没有权,一个昨天今天和明天都需要照顾的人吗?一个美国农民,一个因为精神追求而满足的人?也因为我没有他们所有的一切而独独还有个人色彩的人,他们象我怜悯面临灭种的野鹤一样怜悯着我吗?

我知道这怜悯中有一份珍惜。可不免觉得需要反思。我需要这次聚会回顾一下昨天走过的路程,今天面临的选择,和将来的道路。

(不过最终还是得从命吧?一切的反思和添加的追求不过是接受命运过程中的调味品呢,不是吗?)



咋听上去这么伤感泥? cry


只是片刻的伤感罢了。 smile
年轻的时候不相信命运 (可能你现在在这样一个阶段?)。
现在相信人生有命,不得不从。
只是如何‘从’体现出每一个人的精彩或不精彩罢了。
可以不想而变得现实和实际,
实际在这个社会上非常有用
对得起我们作为社会的人和作为肉体的人
但也许会委屈了我们来这一世的灵魂
在追求实际的和灵魂的满足中,俩者有着不可调和的矛盾。
时不时需要停下来调停俩者。
wildcrane at 4/25/2008 00:47 快速引用
Johann :
美国政府发的银子什么时候到? confused



你说的银子和耐克说的银子是一回事吗?

我按时邮寄出去了.
wildcrane at 4/25/2008 00:51 快速引用
tutu :
Mayrain :
I had same feeling when my college union party held 5 yrs ago. I was alone with no money, no house, no power, no secure. I finally did not go. They called me during the party and I knew I have been missed by many people. I am the one of three girl in my class.

frustrated


I had only 3 female classmates in college and no one know where 2 of them are now Sad


Among 39 of our classmates, only one is not found yet. Otherwise, all will be coming.
wildcrane at 4/25/2008 00:53 快速引用
wildcrane :
开会 :
开会 at 4/25/2008 08:09 快速引用
wildcrane: 我总是心太软 心太软
bagofbones: *&#^*Y@#UI$HI

--->
你的骨头我永远不懂
(呵呵呵)

wildcrane :
谢谢骨头你总陪着我伤感
(呵呵呵)

bagofbones :
搞得我也很伤感
早些年看同学录
贴的都是结婚的照片
现在好了
开始贴小孩的照片了
前几天在msn上和初中同学聊天
她说马上就要生孩子了
这日子过的也太快吧 我靠

wildcrane :
胡美丽 :
wildcrane :



在他们眼里,我是一个只身在外,没有家没有孩子没有房子没有钱没有权,一个昨天今天和明天都需要照顾的人吗?一个美国农民,一个因为精神追求而满足的人?也因为我没有他们所有的一切而独独还有个人色彩的人,他们象我怜悯面临灭种的野鹤一样怜悯着我吗?

我知道这怜悯中有一份珍惜。可不免觉得需要反思。我需要这次聚会回顾一下昨天走过的路程,今天面临的选择,和将来的道路。

(不过最终还是得从命吧?一切的反思和添加的追求不过是接受命运过程中的调味品呢,不是吗?)



咋听上去这么伤感泥? cry


只是片刻的伤感罢了。 smile
年轻的时候不相信命运 (可能你现在在这样一个阶段?)。
现在相信人生有命,不得不从。
只是如何‘从’体现出每一个人的精彩或不精彩罢了。
可以不想而变得现实和实际,
实际在这个社会上非常有用
对得起我们作为社会的人和作为肉体的人
但也许会委屈了我们来这一世的灵魂
在追求实际的和灵魂的满足中,俩者有着不可调和的矛盾。
时不时需要停下来调停俩者。
quiver at 4/25/2008 08:17 快速引用
Confucious once said: "
At 15, I set my mind upon learning;
At 30, I build a career;
At 40, I see things with a clear mind;
At 50, I know my destiny ...
"

It seems so true for us and China.

wildcrane :
同学说是7月份聚会,日子迟迟定不下来。

一个月前发信过去问日子好订票,届时机票已是1400了,但还付得起。
前天晚上收到确切的日子,昨天查票2000多了,但后来借着Free Staff 的关于Continental的航线,找便宜的日子,辗转历程去香港,有1200的票,甚是欢喜。

日子定在7月19,20,21属于所有人必须到的日子。其他日子自由,有时间的多聚,没时间的可以走人。主题随之定为“昨天,今天和明天”。

“昨天”也就是19号,上午和北大老师见面一小时,中午吃饭,下午逛北大校园,晚上住燕园附近宾馆。
20号飞往宁夏沙湖(www.nxshahu.com),晚会安排主题叫做“今天”。“明天”仍在沙湖。后天需要走的人可以散去了,有时间的人可以继续留驻。

这三天的活动行程和花费国内的同学全安排了,财务组组长是去年中国福布斯排行版的同学,意思很明白,他领会的也很明白,国内三天全部同学的费用都由他出了。

刚刚打电话回去,想借同学聚会之机到国内各处看看,请上5-6周假,先请示一下可行性。虽然这些年基本每年都回去,但一般都是只身出去旅游。因为没有同学有我这样的闲暇,或因为工作和商机,或兼因家庭和孩子。也确实没有想到四处去访问一下同学。

借着聚会的兴奋,或许就能找到一俩个伴,到有同学的省市区看看。初步决定,届时去宁波,安徽,贵州,山东临沂一趟 - 这里均有同学邀请。另外,我说我没去过九寨沟,同学说“只要是境内,咱们都能给你安排”,“另外,你回来到处转也给了我们一个向工作和家里请假的借口”。好吧,我就准备回去上5周(原来想6周来着,觉得夏天本来也是波城最美的时节,有牵挂放不下)。

结果同学又说:你订票别担心票价,按你的时间行程定,我跟他们说了,在国外的只有你一个人还是单身,你的票找财务组给你出。我说:不用阿,如果是2000多你们可以补助一下。1200就没关系了。

我原本找到一张1200的票已经很高兴了,我原本自己四处自费旅游也很开心,我原本也认为我的生活过的还好,怎么就被他最后一句话说得难过抽鼻子了呢?

在他们眼里,我是一个只身在外,没有家没有孩子没有房子没有钱没有权,一个昨天今天和明天都需要照顾的人吗?一个美国农民,一个因为精神追求而满足的人?也因为我没有他们所有的一切而独独还有个人色彩的人,他们象我怜悯面临灭种的野鹤一样怜悯着我吗?

我知道这怜悯中有一份珍惜。可不免觉得需要反思。我需要这次聚会回顾一下昨天走过的路程,今天面临的选择,和将来的道路。

(不过最终还是得从命吧?一切的反思和添加的追求不过是接受命运过程中的调味品呢,不是吗?)
quiver at 4/28/2008 11:08 快速引用
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